Salt for your wounds
by Dolce Saito
Summary: Fic regarding Rei's feelings rated for language, suicide and...¬¬U that's all :P please R&R . Shinji x Rei fic, sort of.


**Salt For Your Wounds **

"Yes Sir."Rei answered , turning around she walked out of NERV

She began walking home, or whatever it was called, her apartment wasn't exactly the most welcoming and warm place to go...

**Rei's Pov **

I walk through the empty street as a lost soul, whose wander haven't quite ended. Closing my icy ruby eyes I think about what's be going on in my life, my perspective has changed, because of _him_... something inside of me screams out loud things I do not understand, things I don't want to understand, 'cause it hurts, they think I'm a doll, a senseless battling doll with no other use but war. I know I'm not, but I can't find a way to tell them, to show them it is not true...If my way of being it's cold, well that's just the way I am, it doesn't mean I can't feel, if you punch me, it hurts, if you scream at me, it hurts, even though I don't show it, because it's like opening a gate, that will never close.

_Him..._That will be Ikari Shinji, he made me smile once, he was actually able to make me smile, I can't explain how, but he has this thing I can't describe, I heard once it was love, but love? really? I sigh and murmur 'it can't be it'.

I open the door to my apartment...My God, he was here again... everything is clean, it's getting embarrassing, but, why did he come? .

I walk up to my bed, there are some papers lying there as if to catch my attention, well they did.

I read them, they're my notes...they're getting lower, well obviously my constant nonattendances are being reflected here... anyway, who cares? I wasn't made to go to school, it's only a facade to persuade annoying questions when people see me.

I have a fake identity, "Ayanami Rei", I sometimes wish it would be real. If I die they'll probably replace me with another Rei, I know they have tons of dolls with the exact appearance they need me to have, I know I was once one of them, but I've learned how to feel, and I've gained my own personality, If I die everything I've achieved will go to hell with me. No fair.

I throw them away with annoyance and then I lay down on my bed... I'm still confused, Shinji Ikari... what if I'm in love with him, and if he returns my feelings? Come on Rei, that's farfetched. If he's in love, probably it's with Asuka, not with you.

Why? I can't understand, she may be gorgeous, but her attitude sucks... My eyes widen in shock, Is this jealousy? Of course not, I mean, she had a very troubled past, and I almost feel pity for her, but she doesn't deserve it, everyone has had problems in their past, it doesn't justify her attitude. Whatever, she's not the problem, perhaps it's me, my fear toward any possible emotion.

Next Day

Winter's cold breeze strokes my short blue hair as I walk down the street to school. I'd rather be in my apartment, where I can enjoy loneliness myself, although I'm surrounded by students, I know I'm alone, alone inside this fucked-up world.

I enter to the classroom and sit down in my desk, resting one cheek on the back of my hand I look out the closest window in sight.

"Morning Ayanami!"

That was him, why am I feeling shudders down my spine, I turn around and look at him with no emotion, though inside me I'm full of disturbing sensations wanting to escape, claiming for freedom, but I won't let them out. "Good morning" I answer as my gaze goes up to the window again.

I know he's staring at me and it's getting into my nerves, stop it, I beg of you, or you'll make me turn around and scream.

"Shinji!" I can see her reflection on the window, Asuka Langley walking into the classroom.

'No'... my heart clenches and my breathing stops for a while, 'Asuka' a voice inside of me whispers darkly.

"Hey Asuka" he turns to her apparently forgetting about me.

I close my eyes with a frown, not daring to turn and stare at them.

Coming to school is getting harder every day, she grabs his arm, laughs with him, talks to him... while I can't do anything but stare.

_**There's a tear in my heart where the blood ran out.  
There's a tear in my heart where the love ran out.**_

Two weeks have passed and we haven't had any emergency regarding NERV, my life is becoming meaningless, If my purpose here is 'fighting', then right now I have no purpose at all.

I didn't attend school yesterday as I no longer have the guts to face the one I love with that bitch...as for me she's nothing but that, an arrogant stone-bitch, she's just playing with him. I do love him.

But she had won him over ...somehow.

I'm alone in my apartment as usually, painful memories flashing images of him are pursuing my brain, my head is aching. I close my eyes with agony as I can't resist the pain, I'd rather have no emotions right now. "Stop!" I scream as I fall backwards, this is too much. Suddenly the pain ceases...two arms are supporting me, I didn't hit the floor.

"Ayanami! Rei are you ok?" I recognize the voice, He doesn't know how to refer to me in this situation

'Back to reality Rei' I tell myself as I stand up on my own

"What are you doing here Ikari?" I ask

He has a concerned face, and my heart is beating faster than ever.

"You weren't at school today"

"So what?"

"I...came to make sure you were ok"

Suddenly I feel my cheeks burning, crap I'm blushing.

He blinks "Rei...I mean Ayanami, you were about to blank out when I came in, are you ok?"

"Y...Yes I am, it was nothing"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes I am" I answer sternly "Now please go"

I turn around wishing he'd go, suddenly I feel his arms around me and his body giving me protection...what is he doing?

He is embracing me, and my body does not answer my commands, I'm under his control. "I get worried easily, so please tell me what's wrong... I don't want to lose a friend"

"Show me love" I murmur out of nowhere as a warm tear rushes down my cheek.

His arms suddenly let go of me. I don't turn around, as I thought he does not love me.

He's speechless, the room is completely silent, I can even hear my own heart-beating.

"You don't love me...Do you?" I ask with a glint of hatred.

He doesn't answer.

"Make this less complicated and leave, you don't have to answer"

Tears are still sliding down my cheeks as I bit my lip and my fists clench. I don't hear him leave.

"Shinji?"

I gather strength to turn around, but he's not there anymore.

_**I thought we worked, pushed toward the same ends,**_

_**I'll never be so quick to trust again.  
Disenchanted, disgusted, I regret that I trusted.  
I put my faith.  
My faith in you, you poisoned me through and through.  
**_

**Regular Pov**

'_Show me love' _Shinji closed his eyes as he sat down on the floor next to pen-pen, 'what's that supposed to mean?' what do I feel for her? She...I mean... Do I feel the same?

"Hey jackass!" Asuka brought him back to reality "It's getting late for school, what the hell are you doing still in pants? go and get dress or else I'll kick your ass really hard!"

Shinji frowned and not answering entered to his room and shut the door "I'm not going to school today"

"What! Hey open the door you bastard!"

"I'll talk to him, now you go to school Asuka" Misato interrupted with a grin

"Fine" Asuka murmured and glanced at Shinji's door "Weirdo"

At school

Rei entered to the classroom and looked out for Shinji, he wasn't there... "coward" she muttered to herself while sitting down on her chair.

"Ayanami!" Asuka Langley walked up to her with a disgusted look on her face

Rei turned her gaze at her with no emotion at all as the auburn stood in front of her.

"You have any idea of what happened to Shinji?"

"No I don't"

"Liar! He went over to your place yesterday, something must have happened!"

"Stop harassing me, I don't know what happened to him and I seriously don't care Langley" Rei answered and standing up grabbed her school bag.

"screw you, senseless doll, I thought he was your friend, now answer me"

Rei closed her eyes trying to swallow all the anger and keep herself calmed "I'm not a senseless doll, get that straight, and if you really care about him then why aren't you with him right now? maybe he needs you"

"That's..."

"excuse me" Saying this Rei walked out of the classroom, classes were about to begin but she couldn't care less. Staying was not an option, listening to Asuka wasn't either.

Rei got home with a really disgusted look on her face, walking into her apartment she almost got a shock after seeing who was waiting there for her. Shinji.

"What are you doing here!" She demanded

"I'm here to talk"

"I think we've got nothing to talk about"

"Oh we do!" Shinji suddenly screamed, something really strange, Rei thought.

"Then ok, I'll listen"

"No, I want you to answer me just one question"

"I won't, if you're here to talk then go on, but I won't answer any of your questions"

"What do you meant by "show me love"?

Rei's orbs widened for a moment "I was out of my mind"

"Rei, you're never out of your mind, you're the most focused person I've ever known"

Rei didn't answer and kept staring at him with no emotion at all.

"Do you love me?"

She kept silent.

"...I always thought you were in love with my father"

Rei laughed darkly about his comment, he was one of those persons who thought she was a weird doll under Gendoh's control, and that she loved him only for the fact that he had made her. Well they got that wrong "Do you really think I'm in love with a 48 year old man? He has my respect, that's all...remember I'm not the first Rei you met"

"Well you have always been some kind of a question mark, you can't blame me"

She frowned "I can blame whoever I want, everyone has always been judging me, not taking into consideration my feelings, MY emotions"

"You've never let us do such thing" he answered with sorrow

"I think this conversation is over"

"No it's not, you haven't answered my questions Ayanami"

"I have already told you I won't, so you better get going"

He came closer to her and grabbed her shoulders "You've got to answer me"

"Why is this so important to you?" She asked struggling to get free from his hold.

"Because"

She lifted a hand to his face and caressed it with a slight grin on her face "I'm leaving soon, I won't stay here Ikari, there is no reason left to continue wandering in here"

"Wandering, Rei you're a human being, you sound like you're already dead"

She got free from his grip. "Rei? You almost never call me that"

"I almost feel like you're a superior"

"There you go again Ikari"

"Sorry, but then how do I refer to you?"

"That's it, if you don't leave then I will" She turned around quickly and left the apartment.

**_I thought we both shared the same injuries.  
Now I've found it's you who injures me.  
_**

"Tragedy is all that lies ahead" Rei murmured darkly as she walked towards a frozen artificial lake.

She stood in the middle of it, leaned down and hit with her fists the cold frozen platform, her hands began bleeding and her breathing was paused, she ran her bleeding hand through her hair, staining it with blood. "This is it"

_**My heart is cracked from being left out in the cold.  
I know you'll pay for what you've taken - tenfold.  
Disenchanted, disgusted, I regret that I trusted.  
**_

"Well she got what she always wanted, death" Asuka commented.

"Shut up Asuka" Shinji reprehended, his voice barely audible

"You shut up, she wasn't that important anyways"

"She was, and I don't care if you liked her or not, you've got to be more respectful"

"She's not even going to have a real funeral, this memorial service is ridiculous"

"Enough Asuka, I don't care about what you say whatsoever, so you better leave, you're getting into my nerves!" Shinji snapped at her with anger, which somehow scared Asuka and made her leave.

"This was so sweet of you Shinji" Misato commented walking up to him with a weak smile.

"I tried to keep everything simple, as she would have liked"

Misato kept smiling though some tears were sliding down her cheeks "I'll go for some coffee, you want some Shinji?"

He shook his head.

"Okay then" Misato left him alone in front of the coffin.

"We'll have to replace her" Gendoh Ikari murmured walking towards his son

Shinji's eyes widened and turning around glared at his father "She will no longer return, she's dead, never to be replaced again dad, I won't let you nor anyone else, it's cruel, beyond morals"

"Son... she was never a regular human being, in fact I don't know why you did this for"

Shinji lowered his face "Yes she was, or else she wouldn't have killed herself..why would a senseless doll ever commit suicide?"

Gendoh was out of words and closing his eyes he walked away so he wouldn't see Rei's corpse again.

Shinji let tears fall as he stared at her, her skin was icy blue, her eyes were closed and her hair had luminous pieces of ice melting slowly. Everything had been so quick that her body was still in the same circumstances in which they had found her.

"If I had screamed out loud that I loved you, would you still be alive...Rei?"

_**I put my faith.  
My faith in them, they twisted the knife further in.**  
_

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Dolce S.- I would really appreciate you to review, this is my first evangelion fic so please be nice, XP, throughout the series I always wondered how was Rei able to deal with everything around her...I' know she dealed with it better than this, but remember this is just an alternative, and I love writing this kind of stories...:P always a Shinji x Rei supporter !.

Note- Regarding Rei's suicide, obviously she died frozed or drawn, or both o.o,the fact is... she died. -- next time I promise I won't kill her. Oh also...Shinji's Dad name is sometimes spelled Gendou but I prefered to spell it Gendoh, as I saw on a magazine ;P so ok it's not big deal.

As I always write "constructive criticism will be taken into considertation" ;)

So flamers "why bother?" don't waist your precious flamer's time on me 'cause I won't even finish reading your flame ; P


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